Bit of everything

This year, the holidays have been harder to celebrate. I feel anxious every time I know a holiday is coming up and feel even worse on the actual day itself. It's something about birthdays and certain public holidays that makes me nervous and sad. I hate knowing that every holiday I'm spending and have already spent, is yet another one that has passed me by. It's times way of telling me, things are still moving...but I'm not.
Nothing has changed with the guy, that's what I'm most upset about. I can't shift him, can't seem to get to where I want to go.
Some days aren't too bad, but yes, it's the holidays that make it feel so much worse. And there's one coming up that I am NOT happy about at all.
That all out and said now, I'm gona jump topics.

Something else I have been thinking alot about is my trip to New Zealand coming up really soon.




This is a photo of Lake Tekapo.
The place is gorgeous as you can see, and I'm hoping I'll get to go back there while I'm over. It's reasonably close to Grandma so I should be able to.
On the top of the hill they have hot springs overlooking the lake...3 pools varying in temperature. I never got to go last time cos of the tom but I've already worked out that this time, I wont have it so I'm bringing my bathers!



So here's one of the pools...how beautiful does it look? I believe this one is the hottest, maintaining it's temperature around 41 degrees. Wouldn't want to stay in there too long hey.

I dreamt about flying over there the other night, like I was really going when I'm meant to be. I don't remember much now, but I do remember arriving there really early in the morning, much earlier than my actual flight is, which is odd but yeh...it was before daybreak and I was at my uncles house and nobody was there. Then around breakfast/brunch time my aunty turned up. I don't remember much else, just that mainly.
But yeh, I am looking forward to going over there for a break. It might help me.

And to be annoying and change the subject again...
Here's my favourite song at the moment, lyrics and all.



In This Moment
"Circles"
Black birds swarming
Letting me know that I am saved
Shadows dancing
Freeing me from yesterdays


Will I be saved, these voices are killing me
Will I make it through the brink of sanity


I know the skies will save me
I know


As we go in circles 
I am fading now
As we go in circles


Halo's glowing, showing me where I can turn
Angel's falling, somehow I know I am loved


I know the skies will save me
I know

As we go in circles 

I am fading now

As we go in circles

I know the skies will save me

I know

As we go in circles 

I am fading now

As we go in circles

And here's the song...although it doesn't have an actual video. 

"Circles" - I haven't figured out how to post videos yet. :)

That's all for now.

xx

Music Love

In This Moment.

A big thankyou to Kerri, for putting me onto this truly AWESOME band! They are my new and favourite love in music at the moment.

I first heard them last year I think it was...but I've grown to love them and now I'm hoping so much that they come to Australia this year. I did a bit of research before and they are touring the states already and I joined a thingy on Facebook petitioning them to come here and play for us Aussies!

It's not often I like girls singing in bands, but this chick has quite a voice on her, screaming even suits her! And I must say...she is hot!

Ok so back to the band...love them and really want to see them play. :)

Here's a film clip to get a taste, if you don't know them : Beautiful Tragedy

Flyleaf.

So here's another band I'm loving at the moment. And it also has another female lead. She has a pretty good voice too, and also a good screamer. Yes I think there is such thing as a shocking screamer in bands and some people just cannot pull it off. 

But anyway, another good band to listen to when I'm stressed and pissed off with the world.

No more links...I'm too tired for that now.

But moving on, cos I am determined to finish this update and give some justice. :)

Disturbed.

Here is my favourite band in the world right now. These guys whenever they are on, medicate me better than drugs! I love them to bits, in everything they do. I have all their albums dating back over 10 years ago till current and I cannot wait to see them play in Melbourne later this month! It'll my 3rd time seeing them and it's going to be epic as always! 

I kinda have a thing for David, the lead...he's kind of charasmatic and mysterious. He just tempts me. 

Beckee, I cannot wait to pop your concert-cherry on April 24th! I know you will love them!

So there's a couple of bands I'm loving at the moment finishing with the best of the best of course. I updated about them because they make me feel better and give me happiness. And tonight I needed a good dose. 

xx

How do you heal a broken heart?

So tonight, I'm going in the complete reverse direction than I intended.
Why? Today, I've had enough of...the past 7 months now. I'm approaching breaking point and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. In fact, I don't think I'm handling it anymore and I really need some sort of outlet.
I won't name anyone but you for all reading, I'm sure you already know who and what I'm talking about.

Sorry by the way, if you can't follow what I'm saying. This is acting more like an outlet just for me.

Today I cracked it, again, as I have many times in past 7 months. But it's like everytime I do, I become that much more weaker. I don't even know what to say about the whole the thing anymore. It's all like a giant mindfuck really.
I get it some days, I have to back off...he's not ready for a relationship...there's nothing left for me to do, I've tried everything possible...it's up to him now to do something. But I'm shaking my head. He has a person who loves him so deeply and unconditionally, yet he's? I don't know what, but there's doubt, there's uncertainty, there's even sadness on his part. It's like he very little if not no faith at all in us. It's breaking my heart all over again and it's obviously distressing me, but it's also making me mad too.
I've been through so much already and to only get to this point 7 months later, is disappointing to me.
I can no longer rush him, I can't say anything to convince him, nothing at all. I've said it all, and now all I'm doing is repeating myself. He has nothing new to say to me. Some days for him are different and it sounds like his mind is always changing.
Mine is steady in that regard, I know exactly what I want. I want the one person I truly love with my all heart to love me back with the same passion...and to share his life with me. If there was some genie out there, I wouldn't be selfish, I would only ask for one wish to be granted, and he would be my wish.
I don't think it's much to ask for, but it seems to be something out of my reach and I no longer have any control.
So, it's all up to him now.

Control is something I can have a problem with. It's not restricted to just him, but being as it is, it's the thing I have the least control over at the moment and I think it's part of the problem.

So how do deal? Biggest fucking question ever!
The one thing....months on....I am still trying to figure out. I know you guys have suggested things to me, probably things that any sane person would actually do. So what's wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?

Ok, so now I've had enough. Can't talk or type anything more. There...it's all out.

Work...New Zealand

Wow, been a while since I updated...been trying to keep it mostly positive.

So here goes.

I'm currently in my 3rd week of work at the moment and I am happy to say it's going really well so far. :) I've been receiving lots of praise from other staff because apparently I have ranked number one 2 weeks in a row now. To explain what the heck I'm on about...every week the computer takes all our logged sales and calculates different variables, can't think of what they are specifically right now, and then it ranks the staff from our store according the results. I was shocked when I found out I ranked first, both times. I had Craig asking me what my secret was this morning, and I'm like, um...I don't really have one?

Otherwise working at Petstock is sort alot like it used to be at Petbarn and even a little like Pet's Paradise. It's animals, it's food, supplies....almost second nature to me, alot of it anyway. I've already had some of the staff approach me for advice. And while I kind of feel like I'm talking myself up here...I do feel flattered that my advice is valued. :)

So the knees? They are holding up surprisingly well, considering I've been working 25 hour weeks for the first time in 11 months. That said, they are in pain most of the day but I find ways of tolerating it. I do think I need better supports for them as bandages just isn't cutting it anymore. It's better than using nothing, so I still use them...and I will until I buy new ones. So that'll be good. Being on my feet all day long can be difficult, especially if I'm not kept busy enough. It seems to be the more I'm distracted, the more I don't notice the pain.

Ok, so to end that on a higher note. If you pay close enough attention to our company logo...it says "...part of your family". And this got some interesting comments from Craig and Nicole the other day. They both think it's a pretty creepy thing to have as a slogan. I mean, I get what they want to put out there...yay we like you all and you'll like us so much you're think we're part of your family...uh hang on? I think I agree with Craig and Nicole...um, we are people who sell you stuff for your beloved animals, yes we do love animals too especially our own, but considering ourselves part of YOUR family, um no.

New Zealand...

...Here I come again! I'm so happy to be going over, and it's not far up the road now. Just over 2 weeks and I'll be flying solo...yes it will be my first time flying by myself on an aeroplane. I am nervous about it, but I'm sure I'll be fine. :) I'll be meeting Nana in Christchurch and then spending the first day with her and Grandad, then on the second day I'll be taking a coach down to Timaru to meet up with Dad and the family.

I didn't really expect to be going over there now, but sadly Grandma has fallen ill and I was debating on whether to go for a few days. Then I had a gut feeling to go so I booked the tickets.

Grandmas condition sounds like it's only worsened since I last heard news, so obviously it's not going to be one of those holidays...and I'm only there for 5 days. It's all I could safely take off for work and not miss out on too much. I think it's a good amount of time, plus I got the fares very cheap so it seemed like fate.

I will take lots of photos, definetely. I will see as many relatives as I can while I am there, but seeing Grandma is my priority. I hope she doesn't think that seeing us all there means we're saying goodbye, even though, unfortunately it is kind of a possibility that we could be. I don't like to think that, but I know with what she's been suffering through, it's certainly a possibility. Having her there in whole other country to us here makes it that much more likely too.

I just want to see my Grandma. The rest...I will deal with later. And anyway, the best scenario would be that it wont be the last time I see her...either way though, I'm happy I have the chance now to see her very soon. :)

Ok, enough for one night. I need some sleep. Take care all.

xx

Dreams and stories

My dream career...

For everyone who knows me well, I can be described as a passionate animal lover who since younger high school days has always dreamed of a career in helping animals...our beloved!

To be more specific I aim to become a qualified Vet Nurse, something I remember once telling my Career Guidance Councellor at school. And it is still my goal, even though it's been over 5 years now, it hasn't really changed.

I have on occasion changed my mind about little things...like short term goal stuff, mostly deciding, what job to do next?

I started working with animals 4 years ago at Pets Paradise. I value the experience I gained from that job so much, even though I disagreed with alot their policies. I stayed for 1 year as a casual but gained great animal husbandry skills and having that hands-on experience as a result. It was like an open door to the rest of my career. That job is what started it all.

I have many stories to tell about Pets Paradise but now I want to share my favourite with you.

A special story...close to my heart. <3

One day...I was working on my own (nothing unusual there) and it was pretty busy with the customers and the randoms walking in just having a browse. I remember being at the register and seeing a man walk in with a plastic bag in his hand. At first I didn't think there was anything wrong with that...until I heard a meow.

And sure enough, when he walked up to me and handed me the bag...I realised there were 2 small baby kittens sitting in the bottom of the bag huddled together.

Shocked, I almost literally snatched the bag away from him...although I think he was too happy to get "rid" of them. I felt sick to my stomache, this wasn't the first time kittens had been left in my store. I took them into the back room straight away and set up a crate and gave them some fresh water and a blanket.

I went back out to the store after a few minutes but I could not get my mind off the 2 little babies in the back room. I just wanted to sit with them and make sure they were okay.

Come end of the day when I was closing up, I gave them some food and a litter tray and decided to leave them in the store overnight till morning and see how they go. I really wanted to take them home but I knew my mother would kill me if I did.

I came back the next morning and I was relieve to see that they both looked a bit more perky. I played with them heaps that day, I was the only one working so I skipped in the back room every chance I got to say hi and play a little with them. I had a good look over them, decided they were both boys and I wanted to take them to the vet after work to have them thoroughly checked.

They did look alright when I first got them, amazingly. But I wanted to be sure, cos they did look very young. I guessed about 5-6 weeks old.

I took them to see Marcus (our vet) and he said they were in pretty good shape and about 4-5 weeks old. Obviously they were both too young to be without a mother, they should have been still breastfeeding. But without the mother, they needed to be fostered.

I knew the drill though, I had done it before with other kitties that were fortunately for them, dumped in a place where I could find them. I happened to have some formula at home for them. So I took them home that night. As I thought though, mother was not impressed but I didn't give a shit. I had them at home which was meant to be "temporary" for about...5 months. And as time went on, it got harder to consider finding them new homes. I knew the time was right for them. They were healthy, vaccinated, wormed/flead....the works. But this time, after a couple of other occasions where I had given up fostered kittens in the past...I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had fallen in love with these boys....that we called Aragon and Brian.

Aragon was the darker one...

Here he is the cutie! This is him, a couple of months old I think. I don't remember exactly...But anyways here's the other little cutie known at the time as Brian....

Nawww!!!!! You may be guessing who this is by now if you don't already know. But yeh, this is Brian sunning himself in the lounge room.

At this age, I don't actually remember much about what they were like. I do remember that they were full of beans (like an normal baby kitties) and sometimes it was hard to tell them apart, not in looks so much, but character.

As they both got older they starting changing alot in appearance and in character. Aragon became more placid and quiet whereas Brian seemed to become more active. From the photos you might be able to tell, but Aragon did become alot darker and he's stripes looked alot more like an oriental cat, beautiful of course. :) And Brian got a little bit lighter and greyer. Technically both are tabbies but going from what they first looked like to now...is quite a difference.

So a couple of months on, when the time came to "adopt them out"...I simply couldn't face it. So I literally BEGGED mum to let me have both. She didn't agree but thankfully she compromised with me and allowed me to keep one brother. Now it was up to me to pick one and look for a home for the other. I did try for a couple of weeks just advertising mainly, but I got little response from that. Then my Dad mentioned he was thinking of taking one for the girls back home.

I could not for the life of me pick the one I wanted to keep. It was sooo hard. Mum and the girls wanted to keep Aragon...I loved them both. It didn't really seem fair to choose. So I left the decision up to Dad when he came to take one. He stood in the family room and sat with both boys just watching them...and only after a few minutes he decided on Aragon. I was happy either way, because I figured, I'm gona see whichever one Dad takes anyway.

So Brian stayed and of course is now known as my beautiful B !!!!!!

Here he is!

YAY! He is so beautiful! He's better than a son to me. I love him to pieces!!! Chris is his daddy of course, and Chris would make sure I mention that. Haha. B loves his mummy and daddy and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Aragon is now known as Tom and like B, Tom is doing great! He still lives with my Dad and as I first thought, he has a very quiet and placid nature. He'll come and sit on your lap and love you heaps when you need it. He's well loved in his home and I couldn't be happier.

B ended up settling down after getting a little older. Like Tom, he's also placid and LOVES his kisses and cuddles from his mum and dad. He can be naughty when he wants to be, but mostly...he's just gorgeous!

Both cats are really! I'm sooo glad I never gave these boys up. Where would I be without my baby now?

This year in April they turn 3 years old! So it's been a while now, but I hope we have many years to come with them both.

Btw, I couldn't get a current picture of Tom...promise to in the future!

Ok so there you have it. The story of how B came into my life. It's one of those experiences I treasure most of all and love telling people about it too.

For that reason...I believe having that job at Pets Paradise all those years ago now is one of the best things that's happened to me.

Since then....

So there have been other jobs since obviously...but maybe they are stories better left for another time as I think this blog is big enough as is now.

....and I haven't forgotten what I first started blogging about. My dreams for my career are such a big part of my life. And to try and fit it all in a single blog simply doesn't do it justice.

There's things about me, things I'm so passionate about...that I want to share with people, as I myself have only just rediscovered that big part of me again...after months of being dormant....I'm starting to feel alive again. :)

Change of pace...Movie reviews!

So now, I've decided I'm gona change direction in my blogs. Until now, I think that my blogger had become too deep...and perhaps too insightful for other people to actually be able to understand. It's time to leave it all behind me anyhow, well here anyways and to begin again.

Now I want to try and write more positive things here, things that inspire me, make me passionate, excite me and about things I truly love and give me happiness.

Lastly, I would like to thank Kerri and Beckee for giving me ideas and advice.

Given what's actually going through my mind right now, and has been since late last night...I'm going to review a movie I saw...(thanks Kerri, I swear I'm not stealing ideas...you will always hold the crown to the funny, weird and wacky, reviews...rants and random things you find).

So.........what to say now? Having been pre-warned about this movie (thanks again Kerri!), I obviously knew parts of what was going to happen...partically regarding one very explicit lesbian scene between the 2 main characters. WOW!

Basically it's a story surrounding a marriage in which the wife suspects her husband of cheating...pretty much on any other young attractive female he sees. She's quick to pick up on him flirting with these girls....so the idea is we assume he's up to no good, whenever wifey isn't around. One night, the couple are out to dinner and the wife spots a goregous young escort on a date with some other guy...obviously her client...and a chance meeting in the bathroom between her and the wife seems to seal fates in some aspects.

Wife ends up hiring "Chloe" to seduce her husband, to therefore prove his cheating nature...and soon enough, Chloe claims he (the husband) has been unfaithful with her. Without sounding like imdb...after a while, things appear black and white...you have a cheating husband and now a wife that knows about it, you start to wonder where it's heading.

Then I figured it out. Was it meant to be a twist, I don't know? But in any case, I predicted majority of the ending and I was actually still impressed.

The movie kind of reminded me of a couple of things. Firstly, the more an idea gets into your head, and you start believing it, the more likely things actually start to happen exactly like that. But on the other hand also, that it's almost always certain that things are not what they seem....simply what you have convinced yourself of could turn out to be your very own fable.

So there you have it. My first attempts at reviewing a movie. I wonder how you guys think I did. I think....it's something more positive for me to talk about so I'm gona roll with this and see where it takes me.

Finally today, I wanted to leave with the best news...even know you all basically know about it already. But.....I got the job and I couldn't be happier! It's such a relief to know I'm going to be working again, it's been so long!

I start Wednesday at Petstock as a casual. Unemployment days have now thankfully finished. :)

Vision Boards

Nothing much new is going on these days, wow...big surprise there! (sarcasm within 10 secs, nice one Dawn).

There's been a couple of things newish though I guess.
Firstly, I'm sick...I seem to have the flu, thankyou to whoever gave it to me. It's really run me down a fair bit, and although I've had flu-like symptoms in the past nothing compares to this. I just feel naueous all over my body. Just feral and die already you flu!

Me and Chris talked yesterday, alot actually. Stuff about "our potential future"...stuff about living together again. It sort of caught me by surprise a little but it was really good to talk stuff out with him. We seemed to get the route of alot of our problems we had when we lived out. I guess the only thing reeling from that conversation we had was that feeling somethings been skipped. And I know what it is. Although I did bring up the big question about us maybe getting back together, it was like that part was skipped initally. He's told me not to worry...like thats a big help. Of course I'm going to. I think if he's seriously contemplating living with me again, we need to build our relationship back to the point where we are actually ready for that big step again. I think I'll need to say something about this more to him sooner or later.
I don't think I have it in me at the moment though, I feel too exhausted.
Doing my hair this morning was hard enough, I'm seriously not kidding.

So I've been job searching like crazy. I think I applied for 6 jobs just the other night. So I think that should cover me for a least another week. Haha.

I going to make myself something called a vision board. I read about them in a Cosmo magazine yesterday. Basically they are collages of stuff you want to do and places you want to travel to etc. I think it's a neat little project for me to get into and having one could really help motivate me especially when I need it the most.
I just feel like sometimes I really need that extra push to hold on to my dreams.