Inside thoughts

I haven't updated in a while cos I have nothing really new to tell. Things are travelling along as they always do which is getting boring.
Today I've been pretty lazy, but I don't really care cos it's a public holiday and nothing is open and this is what you do...lounge and veg. Well I've already had my dose of Maccas today, and now I'm listening to my awesome music and burning dvds for Kerri...shhh!

Disturbed in 2 days! I've been looking forward to this since December last year, yeh, I think that's when I bought the tickets. And now it's almost here....so exciting!!!



Fuck, I don't know what else to say...
I'm moving on to things I've been hearing in the news that's caught my attention.


Tiger Airways. 
For anyone who doesn't already know, these guys are facing the very real possibility of going under. And by that I mean, becoming an unregistered airline. Reasons being many apparently but the important ones to note are many maintenance issues and slightly more scary...poorly trained pilots!!!!! That freaks me out, I mean, I've travelled with them once....although I had no issue with either the flights...knowing what I do know, I wouldn't have travelled with them at all.
It's a bit of a shame though, their fares are quite awesome for your standard domestic flights but it doesn't seem like they will last now.
ABC article Thurs 21st April




Serial Killers- In New York.
 News article
Don't take this the wrong way but this story, when I first heard about it, striked my fascination in crime and especially into the minds of these people that kill other human beings...and in this special case as with others in the past, have killed many.
Body count on Long Island is now 8....and they think one person is reponsible for at least a number of them.
I often read alot about serial killers well known in the past...I've read encyclopedias of them because their natures fascinate me to almost no end. And to know that there's murders happening right now in the world before any book has been written about it has a different feel to it. It's almost like, we're following a story which hasn't got an ending yet.


My mind is strange series of thoughts and feelings today. Everything's been a little mixed up and shaken. I feel like one of the most boring people on Earth at the moment, it's dull.
So here has been a little window into my thoughts.
xx

Bit of everything

This year, the holidays have been harder to celebrate. I feel anxious every time I know a holiday is coming up and feel even worse on the actual day itself. It's something about birthdays and certain public holidays that makes me nervous and sad. I hate knowing that every holiday I'm spending and have already spent, is yet another one that has passed me by. It's times way of telling me, things are still moving...but I'm not.
Nothing has changed with the guy, that's what I'm most upset about. I can't shift him, can't seem to get to where I want to go.
Some days aren't too bad, but yes, it's the holidays that make it feel so much worse. And there's one coming up that I am NOT happy about at all.
That all out and said now, I'm gona jump topics.

Something else I have been thinking alot about is my trip to New Zealand coming up really soon.




This is a photo of Lake Tekapo.
The place is gorgeous as you can see, and I'm hoping I'll get to go back there while I'm over. It's reasonably close to Grandma so I should be able to.
On the top of the hill they have hot springs overlooking the lake...3 pools varying in temperature. I never got to go last time cos of the tom but I've already worked out that this time, I wont have it so I'm bringing my bathers!



So here's one of the pools...how beautiful does it look? I believe this one is the hottest, maintaining it's temperature around 41 degrees. Wouldn't want to stay in there too long hey.

I dreamt about flying over there the other night, like I was really going when I'm meant to be. I don't remember much now, but I do remember arriving there really early in the morning, much earlier than my actual flight is, which is odd but yeh...it was before daybreak and I was at my uncles house and nobody was there. Then around breakfast/brunch time my aunty turned up. I don't remember much else, just that mainly.
But yeh, I am looking forward to going over there for a break. It might help me.

And to be annoying and change the subject again...
Here's my favourite song at the moment, lyrics and all.



In This Moment
"Circles"
Black birds swarming
Letting me know that I am saved
Shadows dancing
Freeing me from yesterdays


Will I be saved, these voices are killing me
Will I make it through the brink of sanity


I know the skies will save me
I know


As we go in circles 
I am fading now
As we go in circles


Halo's glowing, showing me where I can turn
Angel's falling, somehow I know I am loved


I know the skies will save me
I know

As we go in circles 

I am fading now

As we go in circles

I know the skies will save me

I know

As we go in circles 

I am fading now

As we go in circles

And here's the song...although it doesn't have an actual video. 

"Circles" - I haven't figured out how to post videos yet. :)

That's all for now.

xx

Music Love

In This Moment.

A big thankyou to Kerri, for putting me onto this truly AWESOME band! They are my new and favourite love in music at the moment.

I first heard them last year I think it was...but I've grown to love them and now I'm hoping so much that they come to Australia this year. I did a bit of research before and they are touring the states already and I joined a thingy on Facebook petitioning them to come here and play for us Aussies!

It's not often I like girls singing in bands, but this chick has quite a voice on her, screaming even suits her! And I must say...she is hot!

Ok so back to the band...love them and really want to see them play. :)

Here's a film clip to get a taste, if you don't know them : Beautiful Tragedy

Flyleaf.

So here's another band I'm loving at the moment. And it also has another female lead. She has a pretty good voice too, and also a good screamer. Yes I think there is such thing as a shocking screamer in bands and some people just cannot pull it off. 

But anyway, another good band to listen to when I'm stressed and pissed off with the world.

No more links...I'm too tired for that now.

But moving on, cos I am determined to finish this update and give some justice. :)

Disturbed.

Here is my favourite band in the world right now. These guys whenever they are on, medicate me better than drugs! I love them to bits, in everything they do. I have all their albums dating back over 10 years ago till current and I cannot wait to see them play in Melbourne later this month! It'll my 3rd time seeing them and it's going to be epic as always! 

I kinda have a thing for David, the lead...he's kind of charasmatic and mysterious. He just tempts me. 

Beckee, I cannot wait to pop your concert-cherry on April 24th! I know you will love them!

So there's a couple of bands I'm loving at the moment finishing with the best of the best of course. I updated about them because they make me feel better and give me happiness. And tonight I needed a good dose. 

xx

How do you heal a broken heart?

So tonight, I'm going in the complete reverse direction than I intended.
Why? Today, I've had enough of...the past 7 months now. I'm approaching breaking point and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. In fact, I don't think I'm handling it anymore and I really need some sort of outlet.
I won't name anyone but you for all reading, I'm sure you already know who and what I'm talking about.

Sorry by the way, if you can't follow what I'm saying. This is acting more like an outlet just for me.

Today I cracked it, again, as I have many times in past 7 months. But it's like everytime I do, I become that much more weaker. I don't even know what to say about the whole the thing anymore. It's all like a giant mindfuck really.
I get it some days, I have to back off...he's not ready for a relationship...there's nothing left for me to do, I've tried everything possible...it's up to him now to do something. But I'm shaking my head. He has a person who loves him so deeply and unconditionally, yet he's? I don't know what, but there's doubt, there's uncertainty, there's even sadness on his part. It's like he very little if not no faith at all in us. It's breaking my heart all over again and it's obviously distressing me, but it's also making me mad too.
I've been through so much already and to only get to this point 7 months later, is disappointing to me.
I can no longer rush him, I can't say anything to convince him, nothing at all. I've said it all, and now all I'm doing is repeating myself. He has nothing new to say to me. Some days for him are different and it sounds like his mind is always changing.
Mine is steady in that regard, I know exactly what I want. I want the one person I truly love with my all heart to love me back with the same passion...and to share his life with me. If there was some genie out there, I wouldn't be selfish, I would only ask for one wish to be granted, and he would be my wish.
I don't think it's much to ask for, but it seems to be something out of my reach and I no longer have any control.
So, it's all up to him now.

Control is something I can have a problem with. It's not restricted to just him, but being as it is, it's the thing I have the least control over at the moment and I think it's part of the problem.

So how do deal? Biggest fucking question ever!
The one thing....months on....I am still trying to figure out. I know you guys have suggested things to me, probably things that any sane person would actually do. So what's wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?

Ok, so now I've had enough. Can't talk or type anything more. There...it's all out.

Work...New Zealand

Wow, been a while since I updated...been trying to keep it mostly positive.

So here goes.

I'm currently in my 3rd week of work at the moment and I am happy to say it's going really well so far. :) I've been receiving lots of praise from other staff because apparently I have ranked number one 2 weeks in a row now. To explain what the heck I'm on about...every week the computer takes all our logged sales and calculates different variables, can't think of what they are specifically right now, and then it ranks the staff from our store according the results. I was shocked when I found out I ranked first, both times. I had Craig asking me what my secret was this morning, and I'm like, um...I don't really have one?

Otherwise working at Petstock is sort alot like it used to be at Petbarn and even a little like Pet's Paradise. It's animals, it's food, supplies....almost second nature to me, alot of it anyway. I've already had some of the staff approach me for advice. And while I kind of feel like I'm talking myself up here...I do feel flattered that my advice is valued. :)

So the knees? They are holding up surprisingly well, considering I've been working 25 hour weeks for the first time in 11 months. That said, they are in pain most of the day but I find ways of tolerating it. I do think I need better supports for them as bandages just isn't cutting it anymore. It's better than using nothing, so I still use them...and I will until I buy new ones. So that'll be good. Being on my feet all day long can be difficult, especially if I'm not kept busy enough. It seems to be the more I'm distracted, the more I don't notice the pain.

Ok, so to end that on a higher note. If you pay close enough attention to our company logo...it says "...part of your family". And this got some interesting comments from Craig and Nicole the other day. They both think it's a pretty creepy thing to have as a slogan. I mean, I get what they want to put out there...yay we like you all and you'll like us so much you're think we're part of your family...uh hang on? I think I agree with Craig and Nicole...um, we are people who sell you stuff for your beloved animals, yes we do love animals too especially our own, but considering ourselves part of YOUR family, um no.

New Zealand...

...Here I come again! I'm so happy to be going over, and it's not far up the road now. Just over 2 weeks and I'll be flying solo...yes it will be my first time flying by myself on an aeroplane. I am nervous about it, but I'm sure I'll be fine. :) I'll be meeting Nana in Christchurch and then spending the first day with her and Grandad, then on the second day I'll be taking a coach down to Timaru to meet up with Dad and the family.

I didn't really expect to be going over there now, but sadly Grandma has fallen ill and I was debating on whether to go for a few days. Then I had a gut feeling to go so I booked the tickets.

Grandmas condition sounds like it's only worsened since I last heard news, so obviously it's not going to be one of those holidays...and I'm only there for 5 days. It's all I could safely take off for work and not miss out on too much. I think it's a good amount of time, plus I got the fares very cheap so it seemed like fate.

I will take lots of photos, definetely. I will see as many relatives as I can while I am there, but seeing Grandma is my priority. I hope she doesn't think that seeing us all there means we're saying goodbye, even though, unfortunately it is kind of a possibility that we could be. I don't like to think that, but I know with what she's been suffering through, it's certainly a possibility. Having her there in whole other country to us here makes it that much more likely too.

I just want to see my Grandma. The rest...I will deal with later. And anyway, the best scenario would be that it wont be the last time I see her...either way though, I'm happy I have the chance now to see her very soon. :)

Ok, enough for one night. I need some sleep. Take care all.

xx