So tonight, I'm going in the complete reverse direction than I intended.
Why? Today, I've had enough of...the past 7 months now. I'm approaching breaking point and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. In fact, I don't think I'm handling it anymore and I really need some sort of outlet.
I won't name anyone but you for all reading, I'm sure you already know who and what I'm talking about.
Sorry by the way, if you can't follow what I'm saying. This is acting more like an outlet just for me.
Today I cracked it, again, as I have many times in past 7 months. But it's like everytime I do, I become that much more weaker. I don't even know what to say about the whole the thing anymore. It's all like a giant mindfuck really.
I get it some days, I have to back off...he's not ready for a relationship...there's nothing left for me to do, I've tried everything possible...it's up to him now to do something. But I'm shaking my head. He has a person who loves him so deeply and unconditionally, yet he's? I don't know what, but there's doubt, there's uncertainty, there's even sadness on his part. It's like he very little if not no faith at all in us. It's breaking my heart all over again and it's obviously distressing me, but it's also making me mad too.
I've been through so much already and to only get to this point 7 months later, is disappointing to me.
I can no longer rush him, I can't say anything to convince him, nothing at all. I've said it all, and now all I'm doing is repeating myself. He has nothing new to say to me. Some days for him are different and it sounds like his mind is always changing.
Mine is steady in that regard, I know exactly what I want. I want the one person I truly love with my all heart to love me back with the same passion...and to share his life with me. If there was some genie out there, I wouldn't be selfish, I would only ask for one wish to be granted, and he would be my wish.
I don't think it's much to ask for, but it seems to be something out of my reach and I no longer have any control.
So, it's all up to him now.
Control is something I can have a problem with. It's not restricted to just him, but being as it is, it's the thing I have the least control over at the moment and I think it's part of the problem.
So how do deal? Biggest fucking question ever!
The one thing....months on....I am still trying to figure out. I know you guys have suggested things to me, probably things that any sane person would actually do. So what's wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?
Ok, so now I've had enough. Can't talk or type anything more. There...it's all out.
Ditch the bitch.
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