Being a "girl"

Today's been a fucked day. Honestly, it's just all twisted and weird and just strange. I've been a right old-fashioned emotional girl who can't seem to keep her emotions in check.
I'm starting to think it could be pill related or maybe it's just all the stresses in my life at moment. I don't know.

I spoke to Dad about some things today and surprisingly, that helped. Sometimes, I think I like a guys perspective on things. Maybe talking to Dad though, gave me some sort of comfort, just knowing that I could talk to him about my issues.

My blog seemed all broken up so far and it's probably not flowing very well. I've never been the best essay writer, or any kind or writer for that matter. I'm just trying to get my thoughts out of my head right now, cos it's all starting to feel like bit of an overload. My minds in overdrive lately, so many things pass in and out all the time and I can't seem to quieten it much, except when I'm sleeping...by then, I just crash. Maybe it's all from thinking too much.
Nothing's really changed in life, and maybe that's part of the problem. I'm trying to set myself in a routine so that my life doesn't feel like an endless pile of nothing. Make it more productive, more important.

I'm starting by creating a "to-do list"...which I will eventually fill in...so I remember everything I need to do during a week. Today, I almost forgot I had a doctor's appointment...luckily I remembered in time, but yeh, to avoid that in the future, I shall have my list on my wall.
Next I will be creating a timetable for physio...seeing as though I need to do way more than I'm currently doing. Basically, it'll be a mix of Hydrotherapy, Physiotherapy and visits to the pools by myself...or with whoever wants to come with me. I've gotta do some sort of physio at least 3 times a week...and to make it more affordable for myself, I'm going to do a mixture of the 3 in alternate weeks. And I'm hoping by having a timetable, it'll get me in a better routine and fill in my weeks better. Thanks Beckee, for your help with these ideas. :)

So that's about all my positive thoughts right now. The rest is pretty mundane.

Family

This ones for you Beckee, cos otherwise I probably wouldn't have posted tonight. :)

So developments since my last post.
Basically there's not much of anything really going on these days. Things are going back normal. Nana left early on Saturday, Mum drove her to the airport and I think we all were quite relieved to see her go. We may sound like horrible family members, but if you know my Nana you'll understand.
She was here a total of 2 weeks. For the first week, Mum was off work and I didn't get stuck with Nana much. But the second week, she wanted me to take her everywhere...even though I had only just started driving again. Mum was on my case about taking her out, so I gave in and just did it. Nana seemed ok most of the time, she did pick her moments though and there were a few explosive arguments in the house during the time she was here.
Anyway, she's gone now, Mum's back at work and the girls are at school so I'm home by myself pretty every weekday and it's been not too bad.

On the reverse of family members that piss me off, there's one in particular I'm praying for.
Yesterday we got some bad news, Grandma had another stroke on Saturday night. It's left her paralysed on her right side and she can't talk. We're told she also has some brain swelling due to her tumors. She's in hospital at the moment, and the doctors haven't said alot from what I've heard.
I suppose all I can say for now is that, Grandma, I am praying for your health and I hope you feel better very soon. I wish I was with you, and I love you.
These thoughts will be conveyed to a card I think I will send her...I just want her to know I'm thinking about her.

Now I turn to another family member. Karl has seemed to have gotten himself into some major shit. I don't know all the details but basically his girlfriend dumped him, got an AVO out on him and he's breached it several times...and apparently now as I speak, he's in custody.
There's not much I can really say for him. I mean, it's obvious he's not a smart bloke because he's gotten himself into the very same trouble before. Mum doesn't want him back here to live, so he doesn't really have anywhere to go. The cops, from what I hear seem sympathetic to him but have charged him because of the amount of breaches he's already made. I'm shaking my head for him, I just don't understand why he does this. He hasn't learnt anything and it makes me feel disappointed for him.
He goes to court tomorrow, I have no idea what will happen...I suppose I'll find out when I do.

So that's all I can come up with right now. There's too much to think about and I'm tired now.
More from me later on.

Post op thoughts and feelings.

I looked back at my last blog and realised it was something like 6 weeks pre op...and now it's currently 6 weeks post op number one. How's that for a little bit of a coinky? Just something I picked up on.

Anyways here I am weeks later having past questionably the most painful part of my recovery. But I will start this blog at the beginning, the day of op one.
So this was June 28th and I was admitted to hospital at midday. Mum drove me there and was nice enough to wait with me, which felt like forever. I didn't know how long I would be waiting pre op once all the paperwork was done and I was in a robe ready to go. But as it turned out, 3pm came and went. People prepped after me ended up going into theatre before me and I started wondering why I was being left till last. Mum left about 3.30pm and just before 4 I was taken into a side room waiting on a bed where my surgeon came to say hi and explained I would be staying overnight in hospital and I was left till last basically because I had the private insurance to cover for the stay. They drew on my leg and checked MRI scans and then left.
I didn't get wheeled into theatre until just after 5pm. I was almost relieved when they came to get me, I was so scared to go in but I was bordering insane with boredom by myself in that room.
Can I add here that my anaesthetist was extremely hot, and seeing him after being wheeled into theatre, I was quite relaxed after that. Super hot. I wasn't awake long, they moved me on a table and moved my blanket around and a nurse was being heart stuff on my chest when I heard a doctor say he was about to inject stuff and I'd go to sleep in less than 5 seconds. I don't remember much after that until I woke up in recovery The op went for just over one hour.
I remember a nurse calling my name and my throat feeling really dry and sore. The nurse told me I was in recovery and I asked immediately for Mum. She said she would call her and told me to rest more. I remember swallowing alot and feeling a little bit sick for bout half hour. The nurse told me that was normal and that it should pass. It did go away just before they wheeled me to my room. I had a neighbour in my room, this lady was unfortunate enough to suffer from vomiting due to the after effects of the anaesthetic. I feel really bad for her all night. She talked to me at times, she seemed like a nice person.
Mum and the girls came in to visit not long after I went to my room and they stayed for a couple of hours. I was very grateful cos I was still feeling shitty in the throat and just liked the company. Dad came too for a little while, and so did Karl and his girlfriend...who I happened to meet for the first time that night. I got flowers which was really nice and I was happy to have my family around.
My knee felt good that night, the doctor told me I had some kind of nerve shot in my thigh that would shut off the feeling in my knee so I wouldn't suffer through the night. I was very grateful they gave me that needle, and while I was still under too...cos it worked brilliantly It was my throat that bothered me the most. I didn't sleep much that night, the night nurse kept waking me up for blood pressure checks and more medications. I didn't mind too much, I just missed B and my bed.
The next morning Mum came up to see me, and I was waiting to get the ok from my surgeon to go home. The physio came in to get me out of bed and help me walk around on the crutches. Until then I hadn't been out of bed once...bed pans suck by the way. The physio got me up and I was walking around good and he was happy to give the all clear for me to go home. My surgeon didn't ring until after 12 and he told me he was happy with how the operation went and since I was out of bed and the pain was ok, I got to go home. Right before I went to leave though, one of the nurses was helping me back to my bed after a toilet trip and let my leg go too quickly and then the pain hit me like a ton of bricks. From that point on, the pain didn't stop for about a week. I got a morphine tablet before I left the hospital.

So as I mentioned before, the pain was quite bad the first week...but it was manageable with codiene and panadol. I needed alot of help getting around at first and sometimes it was quite a struggle just to do the simple things. Mum and girls helped out alot, especially Mum. She took some time off work to make sure I was alright and got me food and drinks through the day. The first few nights, I still needed help to get out of bed to go to the toilet, sometimes in the middle of the night.
I had some physio done 2 days after the op and from the get go it was clear it was going to be a long road ahead. Unfortunately I haven't had as much physio as I should have due to being poor but I've done my best with home exercises to try and make up for it. I know it's not really making up for it, but I went as often as I could. I wasn't really happy with the physio I had at the time, he seemed to disagree with my surgeon regarding my progress. As a result, I came very close to injuring it in the second week of recovery. I was instructed to keep my splint on for a further 3 weeks after that and I didn't trust my physio either.
I went to 2 others since and I'll be sticking with the last one I saw. He was very helpful and talked me through things and how I can help myself at home etc. Unfortunately I haven't gone since but I will be in the next week or so. I certainly felt the difference after seeing the new physio, and even though I've done everything he's suggested at home I know I will benefit better from more physio work.

I've seen my surgeon once more, last Tuesday and that's when the splint came off. Ever since, I've been in more pain and some days I'm a bit slower with exercises. Basically the goal now is to get the knee moving and mobile. Bending it is getting better, but I know without the proper physio I'm meant to be having, it's setting things back a bit further.

I went to see the psych for the first time since the op today. And I met the new one I will have from now on. Jenny's gone and now I see Bernadette. I like her more, she's more straight forward and she seems more in tune with what's going on with me. Kinda felt weird about how quickly she picked up things but I feel more comfortable around her and I know that's important so I'm happy with that. I go again next week and she wants me to finish my vision board. It's something I started ages ago but never finished. Beckee's got me thinking even more about my goals to study. I was already getting things in motion for that, but I'll be doing some reading up and hopefully preparing myself for what could be ahead.

That's all from me today.

just another day

Went to see another physio this morning. I like him, and I think I shall stick with this one. He specialises in post op rehab...which will come in handy very soon. I want to do what I can to strengthen my VMO before I have the surgery next month...less than 6 weeks to go now.
I have an new exercise to do 3 times a day and I must tape my knees for 8 hours every day. I got taught a new way of taping, and it actually feels like a better taping method. For a start I'm using less tape and I have more movement, whilst it's still giving me that support.
Scott (physio) also massaged the outer knee to try and release some tension, it's been feeling awfully tight lately and been causing me a bit of pain.
Pain scale today was a bit high. I was kind of expecting it though, however I thought it would have occured a few days ago, directly after doing 3 days straight of work. I know I'm not doing that again though for a long time, so I'm not really stressing about that.
I do have work tomorrow, but it should be alright. It's an afternoon shift and there'll be more people working with me so it should be better.

I caught up with Chris for lunch after the physio appointment and then came home and did some housework. I fell asleep afterwards, which didn't surprise me...last nights sleep sucked so bad. I just could not get comfortable at all.
Now, I'm just settling in for the night, and I think it'll be a semi early one too. Might pop on some tv or something. Oh and straighten my hair, forgot to do that last night.

Bye for now
x

Tuesday 17th May, 2011

Today, I'm just gonna go on about my day because this is a journal right? And trying to catch up on everything else that's already happened seems pointless at this stage.
I revisit things in the past, get all tied up emotionally, then go off track completely. People probably don't even know what the hell I'm talking about half the time anyway. No point.

Today, I worked pretty hard. Started early in the morning and finished by mid afternoon. I was soooo wrecked this morning, it took 2 damn coffees to wake me up! Work was ok though, not much stress on my plate. There was only 2 of us working, which meant I worked a little harder than normal, thus my knees are killing me tonight. I am seriously considering seeing a physio tomorrow and I WILL be buying new supports as well. I've put off getting new ones for too long now and I've taken a huge risk by doing that. Now, I just have to. Money isn't really an excuse. I'm working just so I can afford things exactly like that.
I'm annoyed though cos I can't really save any money right now. And I keep having to dip into it, like I just had to before to cover my bills. Grr.

After I came home from work, I dropped in to see Chris before he went out for the night. He was cleaning his car making it all pretty. Had a good chat with him, then came home for dinner. :)
Now I'm tired again, shower soon then tv/bed I think.

xx

NZ, and post NZ

May 3rd, 2011. From bottom left: Sicha, Nikie, Eden, Milton, Kate, Dad, Leia, Me and Aunty Helen...then in the centre Grandma. 

New Zealand!
Yes, I haven't updated in forever and I did get back from NZ almost 2 weeks ago. But here's a picture I shall treasure forever. Love the fact we could all be in it, using the awesome timer on my camera...which I actually didn't know how to use until that day. We balanced the camera on a tissue, sitting on Grandmas walker...genius!
This was my last full day in NZ and not too long before we were on the road back to Christchurch.
I was only in NZ for 5 days, but in a way with all the travelling I did, it felt like a long 5 days. But still, it wasn't nearly enough time, as I knew it wouldn't be anyway. And it was hard to say bye so soon after saying hey. Regardless, I was sooo happy to actually have the opportunity to go across and see everybody again.
I am already making plans to travel back there late 2011. :)
To sum up the 5 days, about 80-90% was travelling. And the flight over there was my first experience travelling across the sea solo. I wasn't too nervous about it actually, and I was quite excited to be doing something on my own for once. Everything went smoothly and I was so proud of myself. Haha.
Of course, there was that one day everything went to shit...when I travelled down to Fairlie on the Sunday. Firstly, I missed my bus in the morning...Nana told me the wrong pick up point...and I never double checked...so then I rebooked the last seat to Timaru in the afternoon (bout half hour drive from Fairlie) and the wrong bus picked us up...over an hour late...and having no way to contact Dad, I was stranded in Timaru for just over an hour at night. I wasn't too afraid because I had a vague idea of where I was. Luckily the bus driver who dropped me off called my dad and told him I was at the station...then I just had to wait for him to come get me. He wasn't far away...thankgod.
Everything thing else went well though, and I came back on the Wednesday with Eden and Leia.

House-sitting
So before I went to NZ, Dad and the family...plus Eden and Leia went a couple of days beforehand. When they left, I moved into Dad's once again.
Being there this time was the best...I felt so relaxed and having the whole place to myself felt great. Then of course, I met them all over there on the weekend after and then coming back to stay again at Dad's till the following week.
Hmm...I miss that place, I always do every time I have to come back to Mum's. But this time was horrible. I had this like, emotional episode the night I came back...just felt all wrong to be here.


And now...
Not to skip over things too much but really, there's more going on and I'm not really updating as well as I normally do.
But basic thing to note is that things really aren't much different with the exception on the couple of things.
Work know I'm having my operation now.
Living back at Mum's, is tolerable now.
I miss my friends.
and...I really want to do the things I really really want to do with my life.
I still feel frustrated alot of the time, but I know I don't have too long to wait now.

More from me later.
x

Inside thoughts

I haven't updated in a while cos I have nothing really new to tell. Things are travelling along as they always do which is getting boring.
Today I've been pretty lazy, but I don't really care cos it's a public holiday and nothing is open and this is what you do...lounge and veg. Well I've already had my dose of Maccas today, and now I'm listening to my awesome music and burning dvds for Kerri...shhh!

Disturbed in 2 days! I've been looking forward to this since December last year, yeh, I think that's when I bought the tickets. And now it's almost here....so exciting!!!



Fuck, I don't know what else to say...
I'm moving on to things I've been hearing in the news that's caught my attention.


Tiger Airways. 
For anyone who doesn't already know, these guys are facing the very real possibility of going under. And by that I mean, becoming an unregistered airline. Reasons being many apparently but the important ones to note are many maintenance issues and slightly more scary...poorly trained pilots!!!!! That freaks me out, I mean, I've travelled with them once....although I had no issue with either the flights...knowing what I do know, I wouldn't have travelled with them at all.
It's a bit of a shame though, their fares are quite awesome for your standard domestic flights but it doesn't seem like they will last now.
ABC article Thurs 21st April




Serial Killers- In New York.
 News article
Don't take this the wrong way but this story, when I first heard about it, striked my fascination in crime and especially into the minds of these people that kill other human beings...and in this special case as with others in the past, have killed many.
Body count on Long Island is now 8....and they think one person is reponsible for at least a number of them.
I often read alot about serial killers well known in the past...I've read encyclopedias of them because their natures fascinate me to almost no end. And to know that there's murders happening right now in the world before any book has been written about it has a different feel to it. It's almost like, we're following a story which hasn't got an ending yet.


My mind is strange series of thoughts and feelings today. Everything's been a little mixed up and shaken. I feel like one of the most boring people on Earth at the moment, it's dull.
So here has been a little window into my thoughts.
xx

Bit of everything

This year, the holidays have been harder to celebrate. I feel anxious every time I know a holiday is coming up and feel even worse on the actual day itself. It's something about birthdays and certain public holidays that makes me nervous and sad. I hate knowing that every holiday I'm spending and have already spent, is yet another one that has passed me by. It's times way of telling me, things are still moving...but I'm not.
Nothing has changed with the guy, that's what I'm most upset about. I can't shift him, can't seem to get to where I want to go.
Some days aren't too bad, but yes, it's the holidays that make it feel so much worse. And there's one coming up that I am NOT happy about at all.
That all out and said now, I'm gona jump topics.

Something else I have been thinking alot about is my trip to New Zealand coming up really soon.




This is a photo of Lake Tekapo.
The place is gorgeous as you can see, and I'm hoping I'll get to go back there while I'm over. It's reasonably close to Grandma so I should be able to.
On the top of the hill they have hot springs overlooking the lake...3 pools varying in temperature. I never got to go last time cos of the tom but I've already worked out that this time, I wont have it so I'm bringing my bathers!



So here's one of the pools...how beautiful does it look? I believe this one is the hottest, maintaining it's temperature around 41 degrees. Wouldn't want to stay in there too long hey.

I dreamt about flying over there the other night, like I was really going when I'm meant to be. I don't remember much now, but I do remember arriving there really early in the morning, much earlier than my actual flight is, which is odd but yeh...it was before daybreak and I was at my uncles house and nobody was there. Then around breakfast/brunch time my aunty turned up. I don't remember much else, just that mainly.
But yeh, I am looking forward to going over there for a break. It might help me.

And to be annoying and change the subject again...
Here's my favourite song at the moment, lyrics and all.



In This Moment
"Circles"
Black birds swarming
Letting me know that I am saved
Shadows dancing
Freeing me from yesterdays


Will I be saved, these voices are killing me
Will I make it through the brink of sanity


I know the skies will save me
I know


As we go in circles 
I am fading now
As we go in circles


Halo's glowing, showing me where I can turn
Angel's falling, somehow I know I am loved


I know the skies will save me
I know

As we go in circles 

I am fading now

As we go in circles

I know the skies will save me

I know

As we go in circles 

I am fading now

As we go in circles

And here's the song...although it doesn't have an actual video. 

"Circles" - I haven't figured out how to post videos yet. :)

That's all for now.

xx

Music Love

In This Moment.

A big thankyou to Kerri, for putting me onto this truly AWESOME band! They are my new and favourite love in music at the moment.

I first heard them last year I think it was...but I've grown to love them and now I'm hoping so much that they come to Australia this year. I did a bit of research before and they are touring the states already and I joined a thingy on Facebook petitioning them to come here and play for us Aussies!

It's not often I like girls singing in bands, but this chick has quite a voice on her, screaming even suits her! And I must say...she is hot!

Ok so back to the band...love them and really want to see them play. :)

Here's a film clip to get a taste, if you don't know them : Beautiful Tragedy

Flyleaf.

So here's another band I'm loving at the moment. And it also has another female lead. She has a pretty good voice too, and also a good screamer. Yes I think there is such thing as a shocking screamer in bands and some people just cannot pull it off. 

But anyway, another good band to listen to when I'm stressed and pissed off with the world.

No more links...I'm too tired for that now.

But moving on, cos I am determined to finish this update and give some justice. :)

Disturbed.

Here is my favourite band in the world right now. These guys whenever they are on, medicate me better than drugs! I love them to bits, in everything they do. I have all their albums dating back over 10 years ago till current and I cannot wait to see them play in Melbourne later this month! It'll my 3rd time seeing them and it's going to be epic as always! 

I kinda have a thing for David, the lead...he's kind of charasmatic and mysterious. He just tempts me. 

Beckee, I cannot wait to pop your concert-cherry on April 24th! I know you will love them!

So there's a couple of bands I'm loving at the moment finishing with the best of the best of course. I updated about them because they make me feel better and give me happiness. And tonight I needed a good dose. 

xx

How do you heal a broken heart?

So tonight, I'm going in the complete reverse direction than I intended.
Why? Today, I've had enough of...the past 7 months now. I'm approaching breaking point and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. In fact, I don't think I'm handling it anymore and I really need some sort of outlet.
I won't name anyone but you for all reading, I'm sure you already know who and what I'm talking about.

Sorry by the way, if you can't follow what I'm saying. This is acting more like an outlet just for me.

Today I cracked it, again, as I have many times in past 7 months. But it's like everytime I do, I become that much more weaker. I don't even know what to say about the whole the thing anymore. It's all like a giant mindfuck really.
I get it some days, I have to back off...he's not ready for a relationship...there's nothing left for me to do, I've tried everything possible...it's up to him now to do something. But I'm shaking my head. He has a person who loves him so deeply and unconditionally, yet he's? I don't know what, but there's doubt, there's uncertainty, there's even sadness on his part. It's like he very little if not no faith at all in us. It's breaking my heart all over again and it's obviously distressing me, but it's also making me mad too.
I've been through so much already and to only get to this point 7 months later, is disappointing to me.
I can no longer rush him, I can't say anything to convince him, nothing at all. I've said it all, and now all I'm doing is repeating myself. He has nothing new to say to me. Some days for him are different and it sounds like his mind is always changing.
Mine is steady in that regard, I know exactly what I want. I want the one person I truly love with my all heart to love me back with the same passion...and to share his life with me. If there was some genie out there, I wouldn't be selfish, I would only ask for one wish to be granted, and he would be my wish.
I don't think it's much to ask for, but it seems to be something out of my reach and I no longer have any control.
So, it's all up to him now.

Control is something I can have a problem with. It's not restricted to just him, but being as it is, it's the thing I have the least control over at the moment and I think it's part of the problem.

So how do deal? Biggest fucking question ever!
The one thing....months on....I am still trying to figure out. I know you guys have suggested things to me, probably things that any sane person would actually do. So what's wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?

Ok, so now I've had enough. Can't talk or type anything more. There...it's all out.

Work...New Zealand

Wow, been a while since I updated...been trying to keep it mostly positive.

So here goes.

I'm currently in my 3rd week of work at the moment and I am happy to say it's going really well so far. :) I've been receiving lots of praise from other staff because apparently I have ranked number one 2 weeks in a row now. To explain what the heck I'm on about...every week the computer takes all our logged sales and calculates different variables, can't think of what they are specifically right now, and then it ranks the staff from our store according the results. I was shocked when I found out I ranked first, both times. I had Craig asking me what my secret was this morning, and I'm like, um...I don't really have one?

Otherwise working at Petstock is sort alot like it used to be at Petbarn and even a little like Pet's Paradise. It's animals, it's food, supplies....almost second nature to me, alot of it anyway. I've already had some of the staff approach me for advice. And while I kind of feel like I'm talking myself up here...I do feel flattered that my advice is valued. :)

So the knees? They are holding up surprisingly well, considering I've been working 25 hour weeks for the first time in 11 months. That said, they are in pain most of the day but I find ways of tolerating it. I do think I need better supports for them as bandages just isn't cutting it anymore. It's better than using nothing, so I still use them...and I will until I buy new ones. So that'll be good. Being on my feet all day long can be difficult, especially if I'm not kept busy enough. It seems to be the more I'm distracted, the more I don't notice the pain.

Ok, so to end that on a higher note. If you pay close enough attention to our company logo...it says "...part of your family". And this got some interesting comments from Craig and Nicole the other day. They both think it's a pretty creepy thing to have as a slogan. I mean, I get what they want to put out there...yay we like you all and you'll like us so much you're think we're part of your family...uh hang on? I think I agree with Craig and Nicole...um, we are people who sell you stuff for your beloved animals, yes we do love animals too especially our own, but considering ourselves part of YOUR family, um no.

New Zealand...

...Here I come again! I'm so happy to be going over, and it's not far up the road now. Just over 2 weeks and I'll be flying solo...yes it will be my first time flying by myself on an aeroplane. I am nervous about it, but I'm sure I'll be fine. :) I'll be meeting Nana in Christchurch and then spending the first day with her and Grandad, then on the second day I'll be taking a coach down to Timaru to meet up with Dad and the family.

I didn't really expect to be going over there now, but sadly Grandma has fallen ill and I was debating on whether to go for a few days. Then I had a gut feeling to go so I booked the tickets.

Grandmas condition sounds like it's only worsened since I last heard news, so obviously it's not going to be one of those holidays...and I'm only there for 5 days. It's all I could safely take off for work and not miss out on too much. I think it's a good amount of time, plus I got the fares very cheap so it seemed like fate.

I will take lots of photos, definetely. I will see as many relatives as I can while I am there, but seeing Grandma is my priority. I hope she doesn't think that seeing us all there means we're saying goodbye, even though, unfortunately it is kind of a possibility that we could be. I don't like to think that, but I know with what she's been suffering through, it's certainly a possibility. Having her there in whole other country to us here makes it that much more likely too.

I just want to see my Grandma. The rest...I will deal with later. And anyway, the best scenario would be that it wont be the last time I see her...either way though, I'm happy I have the chance now to see her very soon. :)

Ok, enough for one night. I need some sleep. Take care all.

xx

Dreams and stories

My dream career...

For everyone who knows me well, I can be described as a passionate animal lover who since younger high school days has always dreamed of a career in helping animals...our beloved!

To be more specific I aim to become a qualified Vet Nurse, something I remember once telling my Career Guidance Councellor at school. And it is still my goal, even though it's been over 5 years now, it hasn't really changed.

I have on occasion changed my mind about little things...like short term goal stuff, mostly deciding, what job to do next?

I started working with animals 4 years ago at Pets Paradise. I value the experience I gained from that job so much, even though I disagreed with alot their policies. I stayed for 1 year as a casual but gained great animal husbandry skills and having that hands-on experience as a result. It was like an open door to the rest of my career. That job is what started it all.

I have many stories to tell about Pets Paradise but now I want to share my favourite with you.

A special story...close to my heart. <3

One day...I was working on my own (nothing unusual there) and it was pretty busy with the customers and the randoms walking in just having a browse. I remember being at the register and seeing a man walk in with a plastic bag in his hand. At first I didn't think there was anything wrong with that...until I heard a meow.

And sure enough, when he walked up to me and handed me the bag...I realised there were 2 small baby kittens sitting in the bottom of the bag huddled together.

Shocked, I almost literally snatched the bag away from him...although I think he was too happy to get "rid" of them. I felt sick to my stomache, this wasn't the first time kittens had been left in my store. I took them into the back room straight away and set up a crate and gave them some fresh water and a blanket.

I went back out to the store after a few minutes but I could not get my mind off the 2 little babies in the back room. I just wanted to sit with them and make sure they were okay.

Come end of the day when I was closing up, I gave them some food and a litter tray and decided to leave them in the store overnight till morning and see how they go. I really wanted to take them home but I knew my mother would kill me if I did.

I came back the next morning and I was relieve to see that they both looked a bit more perky. I played with them heaps that day, I was the only one working so I skipped in the back room every chance I got to say hi and play a little with them. I had a good look over them, decided they were both boys and I wanted to take them to the vet after work to have them thoroughly checked.

They did look alright when I first got them, amazingly. But I wanted to be sure, cos they did look very young. I guessed about 5-6 weeks old.

I took them to see Marcus (our vet) and he said they were in pretty good shape and about 4-5 weeks old. Obviously they were both too young to be without a mother, they should have been still breastfeeding. But without the mother, they needed to be fostered.

I knew the drill though, I had done it before with other kitties that were fortunately for them, dumped in a place where I could find them. I happened to have some formula at home for them. So I took them home that night. As I thought though, mother was not impressed but I didn't give a shit. I had them at home which was meant to be "temporary" for about...5 months. And as time went on, it got harder to consider finding them new homes. I knew the time was right for them. They were healthy, vaccinated, wormed/flead....the works. But this time, after a couple of other occasions where I had given up fostered kittens in the past...I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had fallen in love with these boys....that we called Aragon and Brian.

Aragon was the darker one...

Here he is the cutie! This is him, a couple of months old I think. I don't remember exactly...But anyways here's the other little cutie known at the time as Brian....

Nawww!!!!! You may be guessing who this is by now if you don't already know. But yeh, this is Brian sunning himself in the lounge room.

At this age, I don't actually remember much about what they were like. I do remember that they were full of beans (like an normal baby kitties) and sometimes it was hard to tell them apart, not in looks so much, but character.

As they both got older they starting changing alot in appearance and in character. Aragon became more placid and quiet whereas Brian seemed to become more active. From the photos you might be able to tell, but Aragon did become alot darker and he's stripes looked alot more like an oriental cat, beautiful of course. :) And Brian got a little bit lighter and greyer. Technically both are tabbies but going from what they first looked like to now...is quite a difference.

So a couple of months on, when the time came to "adopt them out"...I simply couldn't face it. So I literally BEGGED mum to let me have both. She didn't agree but thankfully she compromised with me and allowed me to keep one brother. Now it was up to me to pick one and look for a home for the other. I did try for a couple of weeks just advertising mainly, but I got little response from that. Then my Dad mentioned he was thinking of taking one for the girls back home.

I could not for the life of me pick the one I wanted to keep. It was sooo hard. Mum and the girls wanted to keep Aragon...I loved them both. It didn't really seem fair to choose. So I left the decision up to Dad when he came to take one. He stood in the family room and sat with both boys just watching them...and only after a few minutes he decided on Aragon. I was happy either way, because I figured, I'm gona see whichever one Dad takes anyway.

So Brian stayed and of course is now known as my beautiful B !!!!!!

Here he is!

YAY! He is so beautiful! He's better than a son to me. I love him to pieces!!! Chris is his daddy of course, and Chris would make sure I mention that. Haha. B loves his mummy and daddy and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Aragon is now known as Tom and like B, Tom is doing great! He still lives with my Dad and as I first thought, he has a very quiet and placid nature. He'll come and sit on your lap and love you heaps when you need it. He's well loved in his home and I couldn't be happier.

B ended up settling down after getting a little older. Like Tom, he's also placid and LOVES his kisses and cuddles from his mum and dad. He can be naughty when he wants to be, but mostly...he's just gorgeous!

Both cats are really! I'm sooo glad I never gave these boys up. Where would I be without my baby now?

This year in April they turn 3 years old! So it's been a while now, but I hope we have many years to come with them both.

Btw, I couldn't get a current picture of Tom...promise to in the future!

Ok so there you have it. The story of how B came into my life. It's one of those experiences I treasure most of all and love telling people about it too.

For that reason...I believe having that job at Pets Paradise all those years ago now is one of the best things that's happened to me.

Since then....

So there have been other jobs since obviously...but maybe they are stories better left for another time as I think this blog is big enough as is now.

....and I haven't forgotten what I first started blogging about. My dreams for my career are such a big part of my life. And to try and fit it all in a single blog simply doesn't do it justice.

There's things about me, things I'm so passionate about...that I want to share with people, as I myself have only just rediscovered that big part of me again...after months of being dormant....I'm starting to feel alive again. :)

Change of pace...Movie reviews!

So now, I've decided I'm gona change direction in my blogs. Until now, I think that my blogger had become too deep...and perhaps too insightful for other people to actually be able to understand. It's time to leave it all behind me anyhow, well here anyways and to begin again.

Now I want to try and write more positive things here, things that inspire me, make me passionate, excite me and about things I truly love and give me happiness.

Lastly, I would like to thank Kerri and Beckee for giving me ideas and advice.

Given what's actually going through my mind right now, and has been since late last night...I'm going to review a movie I saw...(thanks Kerri, I swear I'm not stealing ideas...you will always hold the crown to the funny, weird and wacky, reviews...rants and random things you find).

So.........what to say now? Having been pre-warned about this movie (thanks again Kerri!), I obviously knew parts of what was going to happen...partically regarding one very explicit lesbian scene between the 2 main characters. WOW!

Basically it's a story surrounding a marriage in which the wife suspects her husband of cheating...pretty much on any other young attractive female he sees. She's quick to pick up on him flirting with these girls....so the idea is we assume he's up to no good, whenever wifey isn't around. One night, the couple are out to dinner and the wife spots a goregous young escort on a date with some other guy...obviously her client...and a chance meeting in the bathroom between her and the wife seems to seal fates in some aspects.

Wife ends up hiring "Chloe" to seduce her husband, to therefore prove his cheating nature...and soon enough, Chloe claims he (the husband) has been unfaithful with her. Without sounding like imdb...after a while, things appear black and white...you have a cheating husband and now a wife that knows about it, you start to wonder where it's heading.

Then I figured it out. Was it meant to be a twist, I don't know? But in any case, I predicted majority of the ending and I was actually still impressed.

The movie kind of reminded me of a couple of things. Firstly, the more an idea gets into your head, and you start believing it, the more likely things actually start to happen exactly like that. But on the other hand also, that it's almost always certain that things are not what they seem....simply what you have convinced yourself of could turn out to be your very own fable.

So there you have it. My first attempts at reviewing a movie. I wonder how you guys think I did. I think....it's something more positive for me to talk about so I'm gona roll with this and see where it takes me.

Finally today, I wanted to leave with the best news...even know you all basically know about it already. But.....I got the job and I couldn't be happier! It's such a relief to know I'm going to be working again, it's been so long!

I start Wednesday at Petstock as a casual. Unemployment days have now thankfully finished. :)

Vision Boards

Nothing much new is going on these days, wow...big surprise there! (sarcasm within 10 secs, nice one Dawn).

There's been a couple of things newish though I guess.
Firstly, I'm sick...I seem to have the flu, thankyou to whoever gave it to me. It's really run me down a fair bit, and although I've had flu-like symptoms in the past nothing compares to this. I just feel naueous all over my body. Just feral and die already you flu!

Me and Chris talked yesterday, alot actually. Stuff about "our potential future"...stuff about living together again. It sort of caught me by surprise a little but it was really good to talk stuff out with him. We seemed to get the route of alot of our problems we had when we lived out. I guess the only thing reeling from that conversation we had was that feeling somethings been skipped. And I know what it is. Although I did bring up the big question about us maybe getting back together, it was like that part was skipped initally. He's told me not to worry...like thats a big help. Of course I'm going to. I think if he's seriously contemplating living with me again, we need to build our relationship back to the point where we are actually ready for that big step again. I think I'll need to say something about this more to him sooner or later.
I don't think I have it in me at the moment though, I feel too exhausted.
Doing my hair this morning was hard enough, I'm seriously not kidding.

So I've been job searching like crazy. I think I applied for 6 jobs just the other night. So I think that should cover me for a least another week. Haha.

I going to make myself something called a vision board. I read about them in a Cosmo magazine yesterday. Basically they are collages of stuff you want to do and places you want to travel to etc. I think it's a neat little project for me to get into and having one could really help motivate me especially when I need it the most.
I just feel like sometimes I really need that extra push to hold on to my dreams.

10 months on...

I almost forgot I had this blogger, Beckee reminded me the other day, so I'm back.
It's almost been a year since I last blogged here...and alot has happened. Obviously, for the people that follow my blog, you guys know all about the changes that's happened in my life.
But to stay true and explain it here for the sake of it...I'm living back at Mum's place, I was jobless, I went broke, Chris broke up with me...and I became well...quite the mess. The good news is, I think I'm coming out of the worst of it now. Things are only just starting to come together.
Now, I have another job(s). I will be temp working in different areas in the South East for different companies, for a varied periods of time. It's for more money and for something to do, until June...that's when my first knee operation is due. I only just got the job on Friday, it was a pretty long interview (almost 3 hours!) but I came out employed, something I haven't been able to call myself previously for...10 months. It was a long 10 months.
But now, that's over thankgod. Maybe now, I can have a bit more extra coming in, hopefully so I can fix my car...it does need a bit of work now. But she is still running.

The whole thing with Chris is probably better left alone for now. I spent months pouring over everything, every single detail...torturing myself to no end at times. And now, I'm left looking back thinking of just everything I've learnt and still learning. I'm trying to take much better care of myself now.
Now I'm making plans and I have a dream of becoming a vet. I recently rediscovered my passion for animals. When it happened, it was like a huge light being turned on, and now it's there to stay. I won't let this go, I can't even explain how strong this feeling is for me. But it's burning brightly.
Being back at Mum's has been a bit difficult. There have been times when I've almost walked back out...and not too long ago, I was probably close as ever to actually doing it. Me and Mum can have some pretty fierce fights, but most of the time...it's Mum picking a fight for some stupid reason, taking her shit out on me, and I'm left to defend myself...but then it becomes this vicious cycle. So when she tries her crap, I'm trying to walk away now...instead of getting all worked up.

Really, it's impossible to put 10 months of stuff thats happened into one blog, so over time I guess it'll all come out. But I'm not really interested in looking back so much anymore.